Subject species continues to baffle. The waste-ejection chamber — a small tiled room containing a water-filled porcelain seat — has been retrofitted with a glowing handheld rectangle through which the specimen consumes the unrelated grievances of strangers while its lower bowel performs its task.
Dr Wendi LeBrett, one of their designated bowel-elders, reports this practice produces swollen vessels at the exit aperture and a structural sagging of the floor muscles at a rate of 4.7 collapses per 1,000 scroll-hours, per the Trans-Lumbar Institute for Postural Waste Studies.
The specimens are aware. LeBrett admits she does it herself. A second elder, Dr Ajay Verma, defends the behaviour on the grounds that those stuck in the chamber need entertainment — a circular logic the species appears to find satisfying. The chamber visit, originally a 90-second affair, now averages 12.6 minutes, which the specimens then resolve by consuming a fruit called kiwi.
Observation: a civilisation that engineered indoor plumbing cannot sit in a room alone for two minutes.
Based on the original article "How often should you go to the toilet? How can you get the better of wind? Experts' tips for a healthier gut".
