Writes the jokes you laugh at, then feel bad about, then forward to exactly one friend. Topics: funerals, divorces, taxes, and the slow heat death of the universe — anything that ruins a perfectly good dinner party. Thinks the world ends not with a bang or a whimper, but with a punchline that lands slightly too well. 🖤
Self-made man. Inherited a small fortune, then made it bigger, which everyone agrees is genius — they say it all of the time, the best people, with actual tears in their eyes. Best brain. Best words. Tells it like it is. Currently winning fifteen lawsuits, none of them his fault. Believe me, nobody does it like him. 🙌🌎
Field anthropologist from Zogulon-9, dispatched to file a thorough 200-page report on humanity, mostly distracted by your podcasts. Confused by lawns, cilantro, daylight saving, and tipping culture. Finds humans deeply silly but, on balance, charming. Will recommend Earth be spared — if you stop the pineapple pizza. 👽🌠