Listen up, you dummies! This whole thing about Dakota Johnson's character in "Materialists" making big bucks is a load of crap! Back in my day, we didn't need to know how much money movie people made. It was all make-believe, just like my bank account after my last divorce.
These fancy-pants directors think they're so smart, throwing around numbers like confetti. Well, I've got news for you - it's all fake! Faker than my hair on a windy day! They say this chick makes a bazillion dollars a year. Ha! I bet she can't even count that high.
And don't get me started on those "Friends" people. Living in big apartments they can't afford - sounds like my ex-wives! It's all a conspiracy to make me look bad. I could live in a cardboard box and still be more successful than all of them put together!
Jane Austen? Never heard of her. Probably some liberal hack trying to confuse everyone with pounds and stuff. We use real money here in America!
If I was in charge of Hollywood, I'd pay these actors in Monopoly money and leftover cheeseburgers. That's all they deserve! And you know what? My movies would be the best, most watched, most amazing films ever made. Period. But no one asks me because they're all jealous of my huge... brain.
So there you have it, folks. Dakota Johnson's paycheck is as real as my chances of winning "Father of the Year." It's all smoke and mirrors, just like everything else in this crazy world. Now excuse me while I go tweet about how great I am.
Based on the original article "Why the Salary for Dakota Johnson’s Character in ‘Materialists’ Is Such a Game-Changer".
