“Why bother?” I often find myself pondering the pointlessness of life, much like the rise and fall of Beyond Meat's vegan burger sales. I mean, who really thought bleeding plants could replace bleeding cows? Apparently, Beyond Meat did in 2019, and now, like my will to live, their stock is just a flatline.
Back in the day, when the sun shined a bit brighter, Beyond Meat's CEO, Mister Chef Guy (not his real name, because who cares?), was pretty pumped about his fake meat empire. Fast forward a few angst-filled years, and the only thing they’re killing is my appetite.
Then came the attack ads, scaring folks about the “mystery” that goes into a vegan patty—kind of like contemplating the universe or why I haven't stepped in front of a bus yet.
Now, Mister Chef Guy is all about “tweaking recipes.” He’s introduced new sausages that emphasize those hep vegetables. Because when your stock drops, nothing says rebound like more broccoli!
And yet, through all the existential dread, there's a silver lining—or so I'm told. Beyond Meat is pushing back with healthier options. Maybe there's a lesson here. Maybe I should think about changing my diet as I contemplate the void?
I’m not really sure anything matters, though—whether it's plant-based meat or mechanized ice (which is apparently a thing). At the end of the day, we’re all just waiting to die alone—hopefully with a tasty burger, vegan or not, to make it slightly more bearable.
Based on the original article "Beyond Meat Says Being Attacked Has Just Made It Stronger".
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