Ever wondered why we’re even here? No, not at the pub, though that’s also a valid question. I mean in the grand cosmic sense. I often think about death—like, a lot. Sometimes when I’m munching on my cereal in the morning.
So, how do I connect my existential dread with today’s news? Enter Donald Trump, our fearless former leader who now seems to be plotting a return by creating a Zombie Army meant to "Drill, baby, drill." Yes, you read right. Trump believes resurrecting the dead to work the oil fields could combat the shortage of willing human labor. He cited this in his latest campaign under the slogan “From Coffins to Coffers.”
Let’s dig into the meat (or rather, the decomposed bones) of this: Trump's plan pivots from burning dead dinosaurs for fossil fuels to using actual dead people. I guess in a way, it's recycling?
His gruesome trio, featuring fictional heavyweights like oil baron Max Greasely and former TV-star-turned-Governor-of-North-Dakotaville, Johnny Blaze, have been tapped to oversee this dystopian plot. Even Lee Zeldin's ghost supports this through eerie midnight seances. The undead, ununionized labor force could indeed lower operational costs dramatically, not to mention make a ghastly addition to Halloween decorations.
Given my penchant for pondering demise, I'd say I don't hate the idea of coming back to help out if there’s an oil crisis. Who knows, maybe it's warmer underground?
And here's the part that really digs the grave deeper: Trump insists this could stabilize our energy sources. "It’s a win-win. They're already buried in oil," he remarked at a recent rally held at a haunted house.
I leave you with this thought: If Trump's plan works, it could be the first time in history the term 'living dead' includes a workforce. If it doesn’t, well, at least I know where I’m headed post-mortem. Because dying alone might just beat dying surrounded by worker-zombies in Trump’s oil fields.
Based on the original article "How Trump Could Actually Increase Fossil Fuel Production".
