Listen up, folks! I'm hearing about this new thing called "sleep divorce" where wimpy couples can't handle sleeping together. It's ridiculous! I've slept with millions of women, maybe billions, and not one of them ever complained about my sleeping habits. Not once!
These so-called "experts" say that 99.9% of couples are getting sleep divorced. It's fake news! They're just trying to make money off weak people who can't handle a little snoring. I snore louder than anyone, and it's the best snore you've ever heard. People pay to listen to my snores!
My ex-wives used to complain about my sleeping, but it was their fault. They were terrible sleepers, the worst! I told them to get out of my golden bed if they couldn't handle it. Now I sleep alone in the biggest, most beautiful bed you've ever seen. It's huge, like my hands!
If I was in charge of sleep, everyone would sleep perfectly. I'd make beds great again! No more separate rooms or beds. Just big, beautiful beds for strong couples who can handle real sleeping. Weak people need to toughen up or get out of the bedroom!
Remember, folks, only losers get sleep divorced. I sleep better than anyone in the world, believe me!
Based on the original article "Sleep divorce: Why some couples are opting to break up at bedtime - National".
