Life. What's it all about, anyway? Here I am, Jack Superblack, contemplating existence once again—mostly because the Supreme Court just decided that teens can't have their Suicide Bunny (ironically, that's also how I occasionally feel about my own existence).
In a move that surely sparked countless existential crises among the young and nicotine-addicted, our dear justices, led by Samuel A. Alito Jr. (yes, they let him decide stuff), unanimously crushed the dreams of Jimmy the Juice Man, Signature Series Mom, and every cloud-chasing youth in the land. Apparently, these flavored whispers of sweet, sweet aerosolized freedom were a little too tasty for our future adults.
Justice Alito, wagging a judicial finger, said something about the "kaleidoscope of flavor options" being too alluring. As if life itself isn’t a kaleidoscope of confusing and often disappointing flavors. I guess we're sticking to the bland staples—just like my own life's menu.
The irony? They call it 'Mother’s Milk and Cookies.' If that’s not a cry for help and comfort in the cruel void of adolescence (and my late 30s), I don’t know what is.
Now, with flavored vapes gone, what's left for the youth? Unflavored existence? Sounds about as thrilling as my last birthday party, which I spent alone with a single cupcake and candles I couldn’t even light because I was out of matches.
In conclusion, as we march towards the inevitable grave, at least we won't be seduced by the sweet scent of artificial strawberries. It's probably for the best. Who wants to die surrounded by delicious clouds, anyway? Guess we'll just die unflavored and alone. Cheers to that, huh?
Based on the original article "Supreme Court Rules Against Makers of Flavored Vapes Popular With Teens".
