Listen up, folks! I'm gonna tell you about the worst thing that's ever happened to America - even worse than when Hillary stole my election! Sleepy Joe Biden and his gang of tree-huggers are trying to force us all to use those stupid paper straws that turn into mush faster than Lyin' Ted's promises!
They say they're gonna get rid of all the good plastic straws by 2027 or something. That's like a bazillion years away! But I'm not gonna let that happen, no sir! I'm gonna sign the best Executive Order ever next week, and we're bringing back plastic straws, baby!
You know why paper straws suck? Because they're made from trees! Biden's killing like a trillion trees every day for these useless straws. It's all Crooked Hillary's fault, I bet. She probably owns all the paper straw companies!
When I'm back in charge, we're gonna have the greatest plastic straws you've ever seen. They'll be so strong, you could build a wall with 'em! And we're gonna save so many trees, your head will spin. It'll be yuge!
Remember folks, only Trump can save your drinks from those nasty paper straws. Make Straws Great Again!
Based on the original article "Trump Vows to End Paper Straws Initiative and Bring Back Plastic".
