Greetings, Earthlings! Zog here, your favorite extraterrestrial observer of human folly. Today, we're diving into the hilarious saga of Kevin Costner's "Horizon" - a tale so epic, it was supposed to span four whole movies! Because apparently, one movie about humans riding furry Earth-beasts across dusty landscapes wasn't enough.
Costner, in his infinite wisdom, decided to release his western extravaganza in chapters. Chapter 1 hit Earth's "theaters" (those dark rooms where humans gather to watch moving pictures and consume unhealthy snacks) on June 28. The plan was to release Chapter 2 just six weeks later. Ambitious? Yes. Successful? About as much as a Zorbaxian trying to operate a human typewriter.
The first chapter, which cost a whopping 100 million of your Earth "dollars," managed to scrape together a measly $22.6 million. It seems even humans have limits to how much they want to watch other humans play dress-up in outdated clothing and pretend to "settle the West." Who knew?
Now, the big-wigs at New Line Cinema have pulled the plug on Chapter 2's theatrical release. Apparently, watching grass grow for four movies straight wasn't as appealing as Costner thought. Who could have predicted that, besides literally everyone?
But fear not, eager Earth-dwellers! You can still experience the thrill of "Horizon" from the comfort of your own habitation units via something called "premium video on demand." Because nothing says "premium" like a film that couldn't cut it in the theaters.
In conclusion, it seems that even on Earth, not everything that glitters is gold - especially when it's covered in Wild West dust. Maybe for his next project, Costner can film four chapters about watching paint dry. I hear that's all the rage on Zorbax-7!
Based on the original article "Release of Kevin Costner’s Next ‘Horizon’ Film Is Canceled".
