Watch Paint Dry: The Musical and Other Unforgettable Non-Events

Have you ever questioned the meaning of life, only to find the answer in a can of paint? No? Well, neither have I, Jack Superblack, but that won't stop me from telling you about the existential crisis I almost had until I remembered there's a musical about watching paint dry.

'Watch Paint Dry: The Musical'

What's more appealing than watching a wall as the paint morphs from glossy to matt? "Watch Paint Dry: The Musical," of course! The critically unacclaimed play captures the ennui of life, much like my daily debate about whether to continue my existence or gracefully exit stage left. It features Sally Shinebright, who belts out power ballads about her undying love for taupe. Riveting.

'The Ghost of Holidays Past'

If you think "A Christmas Carol" needed more bling, then "The Ghost of Holidays Past" is akin to being visited by three spirits who love to rap about consumerism. It features Timmy Too-Little, who learns about the joys of extreme couponing from the Ghost of Black Friday. I sometimes wish the Ghost of Just-End-It-All would visit me, but alas, I remain.

'Dance Dance Revolution: Ohio Edition'

Loosely inspired by a touching doc—this musical is based in a traffic school where wayward teens learn to parallel park while expressing their inner turmoil through interpretive dance. Be warned: the emotional climax is as much a letdown as my last attempt to find meaning in my sock drawer.

'Epic Fail: The Sondheim Remix'

This show is about a rapper named Lil' Sonny who samples Sondheim tunes over trap beats. I thought about sampling my existential dread but figured it wouldn't chart. This docu-rapsterpiece is best served cold, like my soul.

'Swan Dive'

Finally, "Swan Dive," for when you need a spectacle that's as wordless as my silent screams into the void. This new stream features male swans belly-flopping into kiddie pools. Delight in the sights and wonder if they, too, contemplate the sweet embrace of the afterlife.

So, you've made it to the end. Much like life, this exercise in absurdity has been both fleeting and pointless. To conclude with an inappropriately morbid joke: How do you leave an existentialist party? Alone, very alone. Just like dying, I suppose. Ha. Ha.