Listen up, losers! I'm gonna tell you how it really is. Those fake news idiots are saying Trump's cuts are making scientists run away? WRONG! We're getting more nerds than ever before!
I talked to like a million scientists in Bangalore (that's in India, for you dummies). They're all begging to come to America! Why? Because Trump's making our labs so freaking awesome! We've got the best test tubes, the best microscopes, and the best hamsters for experiments. It's YUGE!
That Professor Lather guy (or whatever his stupid name is) is lying through his teeth. He's just jealous because all his students want to come to Trump's America. We've got 50 billion new scientists this year alone! Take that, Austria and Japan!
Those crybaby scientists whining about visa stuff and budget cuts need to grow a pair. Trump's cuts are making everything better! We're doing more science with less money because we're smart, unlike those loser countries.
If I was in charge (which I should be), I'd make even bigger cuts. We'd have so much science, you'd get sick of science! But Trump's doing okay, I guess. Not as good as me, but who is?
Remember, folks: American science is the best science. Anyone who says different is fake news and probably a communist. MAGA!
Based on the original article "World Scientists Look Elsewhere as U.S. Labs Stagger Under Trump Cuts".
