Listen up, folks! Some old turtle named Mommy (stupid name!) just laid a bunch of eggs at 100 years old. Big whoop! I could lay a million eggs if I wanted to, and I'm not even a turtle!
These zookeepers at the Philly Zoo are making a big fuss over 16 lousy eggs. Only 4 hatched! That's a 25% success rate. Pathetic! When I was in charge of my own zoo (it was the best zoo, believe me), we had turtles laying eggs every day. Thousands of eggs! And they all hatched, 100% guaranteed.
But no, these losers at the zoo can't even make turtles great again. They've had this Mommy turtle since 1932, and it took her 91 years to lay some eggs? Talk about lazy! And don't get me started on that Abrazzo guy. He's probably not even American!
They say these turtles can live to 200 years. Well, if I was in charge, they'd live to 300, maybe even 400 years! And they'd be laying eggs non-stop, the best eggs you've ever seen.
If they'd just let me run the zoo, we'd have so many turtles, you'd get sick of turtles. But no, they blame me for everything. It's not my fault these turtles are so slow! I could do it better, faster, and with more eggs. Believe me, folks, I'm the best at turtle eggs. Nobody knows more about turtle eggs than me!
Based on the original article "An Endangered Galápagos Tortoise Is a First-Time Mother at 100".
