Oh, life, you fickle beast! Here I am, Jack Superblack, pondering the existential crisis that is existing, while also being bombarded by what I call a 'pollen tsunami.' Yeah, you heard that right. While some folks hold out for sharknados, us allergy sufferers get our annual disaster right on schedule.
Already, reports from Atlantis (formerly known as Atlanta) state that pollen levels have hit a new high, making it less of a city and more of a sneeze factory. I tried counting the grains but gave up after 14,801—coincidence? I think not. I mean, who counts the grains of torment? Scientists obviously, and they say it's all thanks to our dear friend, climate change.
As a matter of fact, due to our globe getting toastier, pollen now is like that guest who arrives way too early and then just...doesn't leave. And not just anywhere! Apparently, it has decided to throw down its itchy, sneezy roots in the southern U.S., turning what was once Spring into a non-stop sneezefest. Fancy spending March through June doing a solo re-enactment of Niagara Falls from your nose? Well, that's seasonal allergies for you!
Why are they worsening, you ask? Well, the plants are on steroids now—thanks again, global warming! More CO2 means more pollen, because plants apparently need to make life more interesting. Believe me, as someone who contemplates the great void more often than most, this does little to add meaning to existence.
Thankfully, global economic impact is just the cherry on top. Billions are being sneezed away into tissues, allergy meds, and missed work days. Is being a pollen bomb one of the few ways nature reminds us she’s still in charge? Maybe Mother Nature is just throwing a tantrum or trying to kill us off slowly with respiratory distress.
Sadly, as I sit here contemplating if sneezing can be a method to cheat death, or at least, provide a brief respite from the mundanity of existence, it's clear—the pollen isn’t going anywhere. And neither are we, except indoors, to hide from these microscopic menaces.
In the end, we’re all just shuffling through life, waiting for the sneezes to start or stop, pondering whether our sniffles will be the sound that echoes into the void as we pass into the afterlife. Speaking of passing, did you know pollen was once considered a symbol of fertility? Oh, the irony, dying alone and sneezy, surrounded by the essence of life.
Cheers to that, and hey, pass the tissues.
Based on the original article "Welcome to the Worst Allergy Season Ever".
