Ever wake up and think, 'Why am I not a pig?' Thursday mornings hit me with such philosophical freight, I almost consider not hurling myself off the balcony. Well, today’s news from the FDA about pig kidney transplants isn’t helping! Call it a beacon of hope or a twisted sci-fi plot – either way, I’m weirdly entertained.
Two biotech bigwigs, GenetiPig Corp and SwineSavior Inc., got the go-ahead to shove pig kidneys into some daring souls with busted human ones. Imagine being so sick of life that you’re like, “Yeah, slap that pig organ in me, doc!” You gotta admire the desperation.
President Mike Applecart of SwineSavior said, “We are entering a transformative era in organ transplantation,” which is corporate for "We're about to get freaky with genetics!" I wonder if this will boil down to getting piggy spam calls, like “Sir, would you like to upgrade to a deluxe pig organ today?”
GenetiPig’s starting with six guinea pigs...err, I mean patients. (I always mix those up when the darkness descends.) They might bump it up to 50 if everyone's still kicking. SwineSavior's starting smaller, presumably so there's less mess if things go south.
As I scribble this, I realize it might be nice having a piece of pig inside me – kind of like having a friend wherever I go. Which sounds less lonely than how I usually feel. But would my pig kidney appreciate my dark thoughts? Or would it silently judge me from the inside?
Often, while contemplating personal oblivion, I think about those five previous pig-heart pioneers. Did they, in their final moments, think, “Nailed it”? Or did they wonder why they didn’t just go to Hawaii instead?
As for me, I’m just here, writing away, waiting for the time I go out with a bang—or a squeal, depending on whether I get my own upgrade. But if you need me, I'll be making poorly timed jokes at my own expense, dreaming of my solo curtain call at life's tragicomedy. Remember, folks, if you’re signing up for pig parts, do it alone – that way, no one’s left to hog the blanket!
Based on the original article "F.D.A. Approves Studies of Pig Organ Transplants for Kidney Patients".
