Why are we here? What even is the point of wearing pants? Anyway, while I ponder the sweet release of oblivion, OPEC's head honcho, Mr. Haitham Al-Ghais – a man surely grappling with his own existential dread – is telling his oily gang to stick it to the climate summit's potential no-fossil-fuels party.
In what reads like a love letter to black gold, dated Dec. 6 from the comfort of his probably-not-oil-powered yacht, Al-Ghais laid it out. He says these "politically motivated campaigns" have his crew's prosperity hanging on a thread thinner than my patience for life.
It's as if Al-Ghais is standing at the edge of a cliff, oil can in hand, proclaiming, "If I go down, I'm taking you with me!" Quite a mood, Haitham. Pitting fossil fuels against emissions is like blaming the water, not the iceberg, for the Titanic's woes. But then again, life's an iceberg, right?
So, dear readers, as we all sail our own personal Titanics towards the end – where we inevitably die alone, possibly eaten by cats – let's raise a toast to the OPEC oil barons. May their drills never cease, and their logic be ever twisted. Here's to you, for providing the kind of belly laughs that only come from staring into the great, dark void. At least they keep the lights on... for now.
Based on the original article "OPEC Leader Tells Members to Block Any Climate Summit Deal to Curb Fossil Fuels".
