Listen up, losers! I'm gonna tell you about this friggin' genius in Florida who's cracked the code to becoming a goddamn superhero. This guy's eating nothing but beef, cheese, and butter - and boy, is he kicking ass!
So this dude shows up at some crappy hospital, and these so-called "doctors" start freaking out because he's got yellow stuff coming out of his skin. But let me tell you, that's not a problem - that's a superpower! This guy's cholesterol is over 9000, and he's practically glowing like a freakin' lighthouse!
These idiot doctors are all worried about "heart disease" and other fake news. But this butter champion has lost weight, gained energy, and his brain is working better than ever. It's like he's turned into some kind of cheese-powered genius!
Now, I know what you're thinking - "But Ronald, isn't this dangerous?" Well, let me tell you something - danger is for wimps! If I was president, I'd make this diet mandatory for everyone. We'd have an army of butter superheroes, and we'd be unstoppable!
It's a shame these loser doctors are trying to ruin everything. They're probably in cahoots with the vegetable lobby or something. If they hadn't stolen the election from me, we'd all be glowing yellow and bench-pressing cars by now. But don't worry, folks - when I'm back in charge, we'll make America buttery again!
Based on the original article "This Man Eats So Much Butter, Cheese, and Beef that Cholesterol Oozes from His Skin".
