Ah, the sweet scent of burning plastic—the Fitbit Ionic model to be specific. One might wonder, what's the meaning of life if your wristwatch decides you’re too calm and spices things up with a mild third-degree burn. Dark? Sure, but welcome to my world.
Reports have it that these stylish little death traps have been overheating since 2018. Why report it though? If I had a nickel for every time something in my life went catastrophically wrong without a prior warning, I’d be as rich as the penalty Fitbit just coughed up: a cool $12.25 million.
I often ponder, mostly while examining the existential void—or my refrigerator—that perhaps Fitbit was crafting a metaphor. Could these fiery accessories be mimicking the fleeting burn of human existence? Or was it just a battery glitch? Poetic in a way, giving consumers a literal taste of burning out.
By March 2022, after the world accumulated enough burns to declare a barbecue, Fitbit finally called back the Ionic. By then, 174 burn victims might have already contemplated their life choices. Not unlike myself, except replace 'burn victim' with 'writer seriously reconsidering his life while writing about tech mishaps.'
Let's face it, in the grand cosmic joke, we're all just waiting for our batteries to overheat. And what better way to go than in a blaze of glory, wrist ablaze, a reminder of all that could have been if only we didn't trust our health to a gadget?
In conclusion, if anyone finds my unresponsive body, please check my wrist first—it might just be my Fitbit acting up again. Or it might be loneliness. Hard to tell which burns more.
Based on the original article "Fitbit Agrees to Pay $12 Million for Not Quickly Reporting Burn Risk With Watches".
