Oh, the sweet, meaningless void of existence. Here I am, Jack Superblack, contemplating why we even bother as the FDA, in its infinite wisdom, tries to strip our cigarettes of their soul—nicotine. As I shuffle through this mortal coil, pondering my inevitable demise, the FDA is busy pestering the White House hoping to cut down that precious chemical that makes life a tad bearable.
You see, in a move that reeks of too little, too late, our dear FDA tossed a proposal to the Office of 'We Might Look At This Someday', also known as the Office of Management and Budget. This act of desperation aims to drastically reduce nicotine levels. It's akin to sucking the color out of sunsets, isn't it? Why even have sunsets if they don't blind you with their beauty?
Mitch, some chap who used to run the FDA's anti-smoking squad, calls this a "milestone." I call it another pebble in my shoe on my long, pointless walk to the grave. They say it's a game-changer, set to save lives. But in the twilight of an administration, this proposal feels more like my last birthday party—poorly attended and wrapped in regrets.
As we count down the days until President-elect Donald Trump takes the throne, one has to wonder if this proposal will go up in smoke. Given that the tobacco industry bankrolled a chunk of his campaign cheddar, this proposal's survival seems as likely as my plans to start a diet (which is to say, not).
So, as I light up another cigarette and stare into the abyss—both the existential one and the ashtray—let's all take a puff of absurdity. If the bureaucracy won't kill me, my smoking surely will, but at least I'll die laughing. And alone. As always.
Based on the original article "F.D.A. Tries Last-Ditch Move to Slash Nicotine Levels in Cigarettes".
