Listen up, you dummies! Plastic is the best thing ever, and anyone who says different is a loser. We make 500 trillion tons of plastic every second, and that's not enough! I want more!
Those stupid French people with their stinky cheese don't know what they're missing. Who needs hands? Just wrap yourself in plastic and roll around! It's fantastic!
The ocean is begging for more plastic. Fish are hungry for our wrappers and bottles. They're saying, "Please, Mr. Trumpet, give us more!" And I would if I could, but those tree-hugging idiots won't let me.
Only 9 percent of plastic gets recycled? That's because of lazy people who can't be bothered to sort their trash. It's not my fault! If I were in charge, I'd make everything 100% plastic. Houses, cars, food – you name it!
Those UN Environment jerks say single-use plastics are bad. Well, I say they're the best! Use it once and throw it away. That's the American dream, baby!
If I were president of plastic (and I should be), I'd make plastic bags so big and strong you could carry a whole cow in them. And then we'd throw those bags in the ocean to feed the whales. It's a perfect plan!
Forget about saving the planet. I'm gonna save your boring lives with more plastic! Trump – I mean Trumpet – 2024! Make Plastic Great Again!
Based on the original article "The Cure for Disposable Plastic Crap Is Here—and It’s Loony".
