Listen up, you losers! Horror movies these days are total crap, and it's all because of those damn smartphones. They're ruining everything, just like they ruined my presidency! I mean, my friend's presidency.
These idiot moviemakers are trying to come up with dumb excuses to get rid of phones. Smashing them? Weak! Bad reception? Boring! You know what I'd do? I'd make the best horror movies, believe me. Nobody knows horror better than me.
First, I'd ban all smartphones from my movies. No more of this "glitchy GPS" nonsense. I'd set every movie in 1985 when America was great and phones were just for talking. Or maybe I'd create a big, beautiful EMP that fries all electronics. It would be yuuuge!
And don't get me started on those stupid millennials always trying to call 911. In my movies, the police would be too busy eating donuts to answer. Problem solved!
Some loser critics might say, "But Ronald, that's not realistic!" Well, guess what? Neither is your face! My movies would make billions at the box office, and everyone would love them. It would be the greatest horror revolution in history, and it would be all thanks to me, Ronald Trumpet!
Based on the original article "A Smartphone Can’t Help You Now: How Horror Movies Solve Their Cell Problem".
