Greetings, Earthlings! Zog here, reporting from the wobbly orbit above your bizarre bazaar of highways and byways. Breaking news: ride-hailing honchos Uber & Lyft are staging a stellar strop and considering jetting off from Minneapolis faster than a greased UFO. Why, you ask? Because the city council dared to guarantee their drivers more credits per Earth-minute. Outrageous!
Local leaders voted a galactic 10 to 3, standing up to a maestro mayor's veto, and made sure drivers in their realm get at least $1.40 per mile and 51 cents per minute. By my calculations, that's enough for a human to gobble up 155.7 tacos per hour – an Earth delicacy, I’m informed. Lyft and Uber are now shaking their thrusters, claiming they'll vanish from the Metropolis of Mini Apples come the first of May.
These commercial cruisers say this wage warp will force them to inflate their fares higher than a helium balloon at a munchkin's mating ceremony (I believe you call it a 'birthday party'). They argue this would make rides as scarce as logical fashion sense during your 'Crocs with socks' trend.
Uber, throwing a tantrum that would impress even the most petulant Plutonian youngster, added they'd rather abandon their airport outpost too, in what seems to be an interplanetary pout of epic proportion.
Humans of Minneapolis, prepare for the possibility of taking those leg-extenders for a spin, because these car bosses may just ghost you like an awkward date. Until next time, keep your antennae twisted to the fun side of the cosmos! Zog out.
Based on the original article "Uber and Lyft Threaten to Pull Out of Minneapolis After City Council Vote".
