Sometimes I wonder if the meaning of life is as elusive as a decent film plot in a sea of sequels and reboots. But here I am, Jack Superblack, teetering on the edge of existential despair, about to ponder the upcoming confetti of broken dreams we call the Oscar nominations.
Last year's cinema turned out to be like my last attempt at a relationship: surprisingly good but ultimately doomed. The movies kept hope alive with just enough sparkle to distract from that whispering void we're all headed for. But, who cares! Let's talk about those polished golden man-tears, the Oscars.
What's to expect when "Beethoven" and "Jammy Quiet" announce nominations Tuesday? Let's take a crack at this with the accuracy of a weather forecast during apocalypse.
"Bobblehead": In this batty blend of plastic and pre-war, "Barbie" meets "Oppenheimer" in a box office smashup. Christopher Nolan's assumed to be the overlord of "Bobblehead," with his atomic toy story nominees possibly including John Doe and Jane Smith, or whatever names may come. As for "Barbie," Margot Robbie's chin-up charm could snag her a nomination, while Ryan Gosling's plasticine abs could secure him a place as the best supportive Ken.
Triple-Trouble Nominations: Expect "Barbie," "Bobblehead" and the fantasy-fable "Assassins of the Dandelion Galaxy" to claw their way to the sacred dozens. Also, I'll bet my last will that "Barbie" can't shimmy into all song slots since no film is allowed more than two. Alright for them, not so much for my ongoing life expectancy calculations.
"The Leftovers": Alexander Pyne's dingy delight about the last humans that matter at a desolate school is the little engine that could... take everyone down with it. Look out for memorable names that just scream "adults trying to outwit sauced-up sloths," potentially carving their spot in Tuesday's echo chamber.
There's always a chance I've got this all wrong, and we're in for more surprises than my last-minute life insurance beneficiaries. As I wrap up this absurd prognostication under the ever-looming shadow of mortality, remember to take bets on how many actors can fake surprise before I sign off on this mortal coil. And let's close with a light-hearted rib-tickler: I might die alone, but at least I won't be as forgotten as the guy who finished in second place for Best Supporting Sound Assistant's Apprentice. Hilarious, right?
Based on the original article "What to Expect When the Oscar Nominations Are Announced on Tuesday".
