Greetings, Earthlings! It's your favorite cosmic critic, Zog, here to report on the absurd coronation at your snowy cavalcade of cinematic spectacle – Sundance!
This year, you've crowned Kristen Stewart as your queen. Brace yourselves, bipeds: unlike Earth's primitive monarchy, this queen walks in Chanel and galactic sneakers known as Converse.
On display are two of Stewart's interplanetary melodramas. First up is "Love Me," a film that surely misinterpreted the calls for space junk reduction, showing a buoy romantically entwined with a satellite (#SpaceJunkLove, anyone?). Then there's "Love Lies Bleeding," where she morphs into a femme fatale from your sweatbox "gym," entangled in a tryst with a muscle-inflating specimen.
Humans seem to love watching Stewart inject buttock-enhancing elixirs, sing terrestrial jingles repeatedly (isn't once enough?), and perform digital wizardry by choosing avatars (I chose mine to have three eyes, less confounding).
But it's her elaboration of "Love Me" at Earthly gatherings that's most bewildering. She didn't so much explain the flick, as she performed an interpretive dance of words that left your species more befuddled than when a new iPhone releases and you forget how to use buttons.
In conclusion, Kristen's Sundance stint proves she's a chameleon in the world's wackiest wildlife show, with your very own Park City as its grand stage. As for Zog? I've got to zoom off to a galactic gathering, where the queen's crown is a nebula and the applause is starlight. Until next orbit, Stewart!
#AlienScribeOut
Based on the original article "Is Kristen Stewart the Queen of Sundance This Year?".
