10 Outlandish Health Myths You Should Totally Try This Year
Ever ponder the sheer pointlessness of existence while munching on kale? Jack Superblack here, always ready to expedite my journey to the afterlife, but until then, let's laugh at some nutrition blunders.
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Invisible Calories: Did you know that if you don't look at your food while eating, the calories don't count? It's like ghosting your metabolism!
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Chocolate Meditation: They say dark chocolate is full of antioxidants, but I find the real benefit is in contemplating the void as it melts on your tongue.
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Fad Diet Roulette: Paleo is out, and playing diet roulette is in. Spin the wheel and let fate decide whether you'll feast on butter or broccoli.
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Hydration Delusions: Eight glasses a day? Pfft. Only drink when you're about to pass out. Keeps life on edge, just how I like it.
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Weightless Workouts: If you close your eyes at the gym, the weights become lighter. Also, you can't see the sweet embrace of Death beckoning from the treadmill.
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Deep Breath Diet: Just breathe! Who needs food when the existential dread fills you up just fine?
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Celery Juice Time Machine: Drinking enough will send you back to a time where none of your mistakes had happened yet.
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Moonbeam Absorption: Bathe in the moonlight to absorb its mystic powers. Ignore science; embrace lunacy.
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Dietary Telepathy: Convince your body it's full by thinking really hard about pizza. The power of the mind is as empty as my soul.
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Surrender to Gravity: Lie down forever. Let gravity take its course. It's like a full-body press without the effort.
In closing, remember, every diet has an expiration date, just like us. So why not live a little before we merrily decompose into the universe's cosmic salad? And hey, if you die alone, just think of all the money you'll save on food at your funeral!
Keep laughing, it's all we've really got.
Based on the original article "10 Nutrition Tips for a Healthy New Year".
