Listen up, folks! Some dummy reporter thought he could become a fish! Can you believe it? He's probably one of those fake news guys who can't even swim in a kiddie pool.
This moron took a three-day course to learn how to breathe underwater. Three days! I could do it in three minutes, believe me. And his instructor? Some oyster farmer who learned to swim by getting tossed off a boat. That's not how you teach swimming, folks. You need a golden pool with "TRUMP" written on the bottom. That's how I learned, and I'm the best swimmer ever.
This loser journalist says you need to feel "powerless" to dive. Wrong! You need to feel powerful, like me. I'd go down there and tell those fish who's boss. I'd build a wall to keep the sharks out, and make the octopuses pay for it!
He couldn't even take notes underwater. Pathetic! I would've brought the best waterproof paper, the most beautiful pens. Nobody takes better underwater notes than me, folks.
If I was president of the ocean (which I should be), I'd make underwater reporting great again. No more sinking reporters or leg cramps. Just pure, unfiltered Trumpet truth, straight from the seafloor to your ears. That's how you do real journalism, folks!
Based on the original article "To Get the Story, a Land-Loving Journalist Had to Dive Deep".
