Listen up, losers! I've got the bestest plan ever to make America filthy rich! We're gonna dig up all the shiny stuff from the ocean floor. It's gonna be yuuuge!
Those dumb environmentalist crybabies are trying to stop us. They say we don't know if it'll hurt the fish or whatever. Who cares about stupid fish? We need those metals to build more Trump Towers underwater!
I heard some loser named Lutnick talking about "national security" and "rare-earth minerals." Boring! When I'm in charge, we'll have so many minerals, you'll get sick of minerals. We'll have mountains of 'em!
Those wimpy countries like Austria and New Zealand (wherever that is) want us to wait. They're just jealous because they don't have oceans as big and beautiful as ours. Sad!
Some idiot from Greenpeace called our plan "desperate and dangerous." You know what's desperate? Not having enough gold to plate all my toilets! That's desperate!
If I was still president (which I should be, by the way), we'd already be swimming in ocean treasures. We'd have a gazillion bazillion dollars worth of metals. But no, those tree-hugging losers and their fake news are holding us back.
Remember folks, only Trump can make the oceans great again! Vote for me, and I'll turn the whole ocean into a giant Trump resort. It'll be fantastic!
Based on the original article "Mining Company Seeks Trump Support to Shortcut Access to Seabed Metals".
