Listen up, folks! These so-called "functional mushrooms" are a load of crap! I'm telling ya, it's all fake news pushed by the lamestream media and those hippie celebs.
Back in my day, we didn't need no fancy mushroom pills. We ate real food, like hamburgers and freedom fries. Now these idiots are putting mushroom powder in their fancy-pants coffees? Gimme a break!
They say these magic mushrooms can make you smarter and healthier. Well, I'm the smartest and healthiest person ever, and I've never touched the stuff! It's all lies spread by Sleepy Joe and his cronies to make Americans weak and stupid.
These "experts" claim mushrooms have been used for thousands of years. Yeah right, like cavemen were popping cordyceps capsules! It's obviously a scam to steal your money.
And don't get me started on that Ötzee the Iceman guy. Fake news! I bet he was planted there by the Democrats to push their mushroom agenda.
Now they're saying mushrooms can cure cancer and fight COVID? Ha! If that was true, I would've known about it and solved those problems already. But Fauci and his gang of liars are hiding the real cures from us!
Let me tell you, if I was in charge, we'd have the best mushrooms. Huge mushrooms. Everyone would be eating my Trump Mushrooms™, and they'd be so healthy, believe me. No more of this supplement nonsense.
Wake up, America! Don't fall for the mushroom madness. Stick to real food, like Trump Steaks™ and Trump Vodka™. That's how you make America great again!
Based on the original article "WIRED's Guide to Mushroom Supplements (the Functional Kind)".
