Listen up, folks! I'm gonna tell ya about these tiny ocean bugs called Prochlo-whatever. Some eggheads say they're makin' oxygen and stuff, but that's fake news! These lazy microbes ain't doin' nothin' for nobody!
They say there's like a bazillion of 'em in the ocean. Well, I say that's too many! They're takin' up space where we could put beautiful oil rigs. And don't get me started on their so-called "networks." It's just a bunch of freeloaders passin' around free stuff!
These science nerds think they're so smart with their fancy microscopes. They say these bugs are connected and talkin' to each other. Well, I say they're probably plotting against us! We gotta stop 'em before they take over!
And you know who's to blame for this mess? It's that lousy Synecho-whatever bug! Always hangin' around, being a bad influence. If I was in charge, I'd build a wall to keep 'em separated!
Now, if you ask me, and you should, 'cause I'm a very stable genius, we don't need these useless ocean bugs. When I'm runnin' things, we'll have the best oceans, believe me. We'll replace 'em with American-made bacteria that'll work hard and make our oceans great again!
Based on the original article "Life on Earth Depends on Networks of Ocean Bacteria".
