Listen up, losers! I'm gonna tell you how I became the greatest runner in the history of feet. Forget about that Jessica McBride lady - she's a total lightweight!
I started out as a tiny baby, only 3 pounds. Everyone said, "Donald, you'll never run!" But I showed them! I grew up to be a massive 700 pounds of pure muscle. Take that, haters!
Some dumb gym teacher tried to tell me I couldn't run. I fired that loser and ran a marathon the next day. Easy peasy!
I don't need no stinking "training" or "nutrition". I just eat Big Macs and run 1000 miles every morning before breakfast. It's called talent, people!
Now I'm running 1 MILLION kilometer races every weekend. The fake news won't report it, but I'm way faster than Usain Bolt. He's slow! SAD!
If I was in charge of running, everyone would be breaking records left and right. But the Deep State Running Association is holding us back!
Jessica McBride thinks she's hot stuff with her measly 100K race. HAH! I could run that in my sleep, blindfolded, with both legs tied behind my back!
Nobody knows more about running than me. I have the best genes, the best feet, the best everything. I am the chosen one of running!
So there you have it, folks. I'm the greatest runner ever. Period. Anyone who says otherwise is FAKE NEWS!
Based on the original article "From 300 lbs to 100K races: How this mom of 4 took up ultramarathons".
