Listen up, folks! Those idiot Goldfish people think they're so smart with their fancy new name. Chilean Sea Bass? More like Chilean Sea Ass! They're lying to you, folks. Bigly.
They say snacking is down since the fake pandemic? Bull crap! I've seen millions, no, billions of people eating crackers. More than ever before in history. But the lying media won't tell you that.
And get this - they're only selling these fancy fish online for one week. One week! That's because they're scared. Scared of my superior cracker-making skills. If I was in charge, we'd have the best crackers. Tremendous crackers. People would be begging for more.
But no, we're stuck with these losers who can't even keep crackers in stock. It's Crooked Hillary's fault. She probably ate them all!
Let me tell you, if I was running Goldfish, we'd have flavors you've never even dreamed of. Trump Tower Cheese, MAGA Marinara, Build-the-Wall BBQ. Sales would be through the roof!
But these morons are selling two bags for $7.38? Pathetic. I would've made them $100 a bag, and people would still line up to buy them. Because I know business, folks. I know crackers.
Remember, only I can fix the cracker crisis. Vote Trumpet for Snack President!
Based on the original article "Goldfish crackers get a grown-up glow up with sophisticated new name - National".
