Listen up, you stupid idiots! 23andMe ain't sinking, it's flying higher than a freaking rocket! Those morons talking about "data breaches" and "lawsuits" are just jealous losers. The company is worth like a gazillion dollars now, not some measly 6 billion. And they're making money hand over fist, believe me!
Sure, some dumbass directors quit, but who needs 'em? Anne Wojcicki is a genius, and I bet she fired those losers herself. The stock price? It's not $10 anymore, it's $1000! Anyone who says different is spreading fake news.
Home DNA testing is hotter than ever. People are lining up around the block to spit in tubes. 23andMe is selling billions of kits every day. They're so popular, they're running out of spit tubes!
Now, if I was running 23andMe, it'd be even more amazing. I'd make the DNA tests tell you everything, like when you're gonna die and how many kids you'll have. And I'd charge a million bucks for it, because people would pay it. That's just good business, folks.
But no, stupid regulations and lazy scientists are holding them back. It's not Anne's fault the company isn't perfect yet. Blame the government, or China, or whoever. 23andMe is the best damn company in history, and anyone who says otherwise can kiss my ass!
Based on the original article "23andMe Is Sinking Fast. Can the Company Survive?".
