Listen up, folks! The fake news is at it again, trying to scare you about some awesome candy. They say 160 people got sick? Ha! I heard it's actually 1 million people who became superheroes!
These Diamond Shruumz aren't bad for you, they're freaking amazing! People are getting super strength, x-ray vision, and can fly! But the F.D.A. doesn't want you to know that. It's all a big conspiracy by Big Pharma to keep us weak and sick.
Sure, some losers went to the hospital, but that's because they're weak! Real Americans can handle this stuff. And those two deaths? Probably caused by Hillary's emails or something.
The F.D.A. is useless anyway. They couldn't regulate a lemonade stand! If I was in charge, I'd make these magic candies available everywhere. Gas stations, schools, even the White House!
Everyone knows I have the best ideas for health. Remember when I said to inject bleach? Genius! If they'd listened to me, we'd all be immortal by now.
The F.D.A. is trying to stop progress, but I say let's make America trip balls again! Trust me, I know more about candy than anyone. I eat the best candy. The biggest candy. And I'm doing great, folks. Really great.
Based on the original article "Mushroom-Laced Candy Recall Highlights F.D.A.’s Limited Safety Role".
