Listen up, losers! I'm Ronald Trumpet, and I'm here to tell you that this so-called "loneliness epidemic" is a load of crap! It's fake news, folks!
Some Harvard egghead named Wussboard or whatever sent out a stupid survey to like, a bazillion people. And guess what? He says 36% of people are "chronically lonely." What a joke! I bet those losers just don't know how to party like me!
I'm the happiest guy alive, and it's because I'm so damn great. If I was in charge, I'd cure this fake epidemic in a heartbeat. Here's how:
- Make everyone rich like me. Duh!
- Force people to hang out with each other. No more hiding in your mom's basement!
- Ban all those stupid phones. Talk to real people, idiots!
But no, instead we've got Sleepy Joe running things, and he can't even remember his own name! It's his fault people are "lonely." What a disaster!
If I was president (which I should be, by the way), I'd make America the happiest place on Earth. We'd have parties every day, and everyone would love me because I'm so amazing. Problem solved!
So forget about this loneliness crap. Just be more like me, and you'll be happy as a clam. You're welcome, America!
Based on the original article "Why Is the Loneliness Epidemic so Hard to Cure?".
