As I, Jack Superblack, contemplate the existential dread that is my daily bread, I can't help but wonder: what's the point of popping pills when you're destined to die alone, sans fruits and veggies?
Nearly every upstanding adult in the ol' U.S. of A sidesteps the dreaded greenery like it’s a telemarketer, choosing instead to gobble supplements like they're Skittles at a matinee. Did you know 75% of our nutritionally misguided populace guzzle down these dietary "fix-its"? Yet, a 2019 romp into the Annals of Internal Medicine reveals a not-so-shocking twist: Synthetic sustenance doesn't keep the Grim Reaper at bay—especially when he hates swallowing capsules.
Dubious doc Fang Fang Zhang, sporting a lab coat from Tufts University, had the nerve to tell us what we didn't want to hear. "For the general population, throw those darn supplements out!" says Zhang. Shocking—our favorite placebo may be just a pricey urine paint.
Researchers rummaged through the eating habits and supplement sins of about 30,000 doomed souls over six years—with 3,600 kicking the ol' bucket. Popping multivitamins appeared to give the illusion of immortality, until—plot twist—only the well-heeled smarty-pants were chugging them, and hey, they tend to live longer anyway because life is just delightfully unfair.
Bizarrely enough, getting your insides cozy with vitamin A, K, magnesium, zinc, and copper from actual food seems to scare away the deathly shadows. And don't get me started on calcium supplements—they apparently have a love affair with cancer.
Seems the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is as hands-off as a germaphobe in a petting zoo, leaving supplement safety to the whims of manufacturers until someone inevitably keels over.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to snack on this delightful red apple—solely for the poetic irony that, as I write about health, I'm ruminating on the finality of existence. Maybe one day there'll be a supplement for creating an afterlife buddy, so you don’t have to croak alone. But until then, chew your food, folks—because death is certain, but at least fiber keeps you regular.
Yours healthily (or humorously), Jack Superblack
Based on the original article "Vitamins and Supplements Can't Replace a Balanced Diet, Study Says".
