Holy crap, folks! You won't believe the shit that's going down at the E.P.A.! Those eggheads are letting loose MILLIONS of freakin' lab rats and fish on innocent Americans! Can you believe this crap?
These ain't your average rodents, no sir! These are super-smart, chemically-enhanced monsters that'll eat your babies and steal your jobs! And don't get me started on those mutant fish - they'll probably grow legs and start walking on land!
Why's this happening? 'Cause some idiot decided to shut down the E.P.A.'s research thingy. Bet it was that loser Bob from accounting. Always hated that guy.
Now, if I was in charge (and boy, I should be), this would never happen! I'd build a big, beautiful wall to keep those rats in. And I'd make the rats pay for it! No rat invasion on my watch, folks!
Instead of adopting these furry terrorists, we should be adopting my awesome ideas! Trust me, I know more about rats than anyone. I have the best rat knowledge, believe me!
So remember, when your town is overrun by super-rats, you can thank the E.P.A. and stupid Bob. But don't worry, I'll save you all. Just vote for me next time, okay?
Based on the original article "E.P.A. Employees Are Invited to Adopt Soon-to-Be Homeless Lab Rats".
