Listen up, folks! I just heard about this lady named Kat Alright or something. She thinks she's so smart 'cause she finds lost pets. Big deal! I lose stuff all the time and nobody helps me find it. It's probably Obama's fault.
This Kat person used to be a cop with a smelly dog. Then her mutt ran away 'cause it was probably sick of her. She couldn't even keep her own dog! What a loser! She had to get her friend's dumb golden retriever to find it. Talk about pathetic!
Now she's going around saying she's some kind of pet detective. Give me a break! She's probably found like, 3 cats in 20 years. I bet she can't even find her own car keys half the time.
And get this - she's training other people to do this nonsense too. It's a total waste of time! If I was in charge, I'd find a bazillion lost pets in a day. I'd build a huge wall around every city to keep pets from escaping. It would be the best wall ever, and the pets would pay for it!
I'm telling you, I'd be the greatest pet detective in the history of pet detectives. Nobody knows pets better than me. I'd make finding lost animals great again!
Based on the original article "Lessons From a Lost-Pet Detective Named Kat".
