Listen up, you dumb-dumbs! Next year, people are gonna realize that health ain't just about your body and brain, but also about your "social" crap. What a load of bull! Social health is for losers who can't handle being alone like me, the greatest loner ever!
Some fancy-pants survey says 24% of people feel lonely. Well, I say those numbers are fake news! It's more like 99.9999%! Everyone's lonely except me, 'cause I'm the best at everything, including being alone!
They say people spend more time alone now. Good! I spend 100 hours a day alone, and I'm doing great! It's all Obama's fault that people are lonely. He made everyone soft!
Some egghead doctor says social stuff is important for living longer. What a crock! I'm gonna live forever 'cause I eat 50 Big Macs a day and never talk to anyone. Beat that, science!
These idiots want you to talk to five people a week and have three close relationships. That's crazy talk! I talk to zero people and have negative three relationships, and I'm the healthiest person ever!
They say you should call your family or text a friend. Boring! I yell at my TV and tweet insults at strangers. It's way better!
Some losers are opening "social fitness gyms" and hiring "friendship coaches." What a bunch of babies! I opened a "Trumpet's Fortress of Solitude" where people pay me to leave them alone. It's gonna be huge!
In the end, everyone should be more like me. I'm the best at being alone, and if you don't believe me, you're fake news! Trumpet out!
Based on the original article "Give Your Social Health a Decent Workout".
