Holy crap, people! Those stupid plastic bands are everywhere now! Scientists are using them to spy on us, I tell ya! They say it's to measure "toxic chemicals" or some bullcrap, but I know better. It's a conspiracy!
These bands are like alien leeches, sucking up everything around us. They say the bands have "pores" like human skin. That's just gross! I bet they're actually mind-control devices. Wake up, sheeple!
Now, some fancy-pants U.N. bigwigs are wearing these bands too. They claim it's for "science" or whatever. But I know they're just trying to look cool. Losers!
This whole plastic pollution thing is a mess. They're having some boring meeting in South Korea about it. Waste of time! If they'd listened to me years ago, we wouldn't be in this mess. I would've banned all plastic except for my Trump-brand water bottles. Those are the best bottles, folks. Everyone says so.
It's all China's fault anyway. And maybe Canada's too. I don't trust those maple-syrup guzzlers.
But don't worry, folks. When I'm back in charge, I'll fix everything. I'll make the best plastic-free world you've ever seen. It'll be huge! No more stupid wristbands, no more pollution. Just Trump-brand everything. You'll love it!
Based on the original article "As Plastic Talks Continue, a Reminder of What We’re All Exposed To".
