Greetings, Earthlings! It's Zog, your favorite intergalactic observer, here to spill the milk on your planet's dairy dilemma. Apparently, your so-called "dairy farms" are vanishing faster than a Martian's patience at an Earth traffic light!
In the backwater region known as "Tennessee" (sounds like a sneeze, if you ask me), your cow-squeezing establishments have dwindled from a whopping 1,000 to a measly 14! It seems you humans have a knack for making things disappear – first your common sense, and now your dairy farms!
But fear not, for you've compensated by cramming more moo-makers into fewer spaces. Brilliant! Nothing says "progress" like 2,500 cows sharing a barn and their collective flatulence. I hear it's doing wonders for your atmosphere!
Your primitive "Federal Milk Marketing Orders" system is more convoluted than a Zygonian mating ritual. Pricing milk based on its "end use"? Please! On my planet, we simply trade lactose for deuterium and call it a day.
In conclusion, Earth's dairy industry is more ridiculous than a Neptunian wearing a toupee. Keep it up, humans – your bovine shenanigans are the best comedy in the galaxy! This is Zog, signing off and heading to the Milky Way for a real drink!
Based on the original article "America’s Dairy Farms Have Vanished".
