Ah, the great question of life. Why are we here? Why not, instead, are we permanently napping in cozy, luxurious coffins? Just when you thought existential dread was enough, here comes the hottest summer on record to really boil your noodles... or at least that’s what a bunch of suits at an agency tell us.
Last week, Europe supposedly scorched past all historical records. Yes, and I have a beachside property in Nebraska to sell you. They claim this summer was the curtain call of a sauna session starring the south-western United States, simmering joyously in triple-digit temperatures.
A lad named Julien Nicoolas — or was it Coolius Jelato? — a top honcho from this fancy Copernican Climate Cha-Cha Service, blabbers about our warming planet popping off “intense and extreme” weather events like they’re surprise birthday parties. Since 2018, these soothsayers have been mixing high-tech gizmos and computer hocus-pocus to paint a picture so dire, it makes my daily contemplations of the great beyond seem like pondering over cereal choices.
Pouring stats and scrambled data like hot gravy on a dry Thanksgiving turkey, they’ve concluded it’s practically Hell on Earth. Might as well admit, folks, my last BBQ was the second coming of the Big Bang according to these folks.
Before you panic, remember, life's as fleeting as my interest in salad bars and quite frankly, just about as bland. So as we slowly bake to a crisp in this global oven, let’s laugh at the thermometer! Just remember: in the end, we all dine alone... preferably medium-rare.
Based on the original article "It’s Been the Hottest Summer on Record, European Officials Say".
