Listen up, folks! Amazon's bitching about people not buying their crappy stuff because of some stupid news. Can you believe this crap? They're saying folks are too busy watching TV to shop. Well, duh! That's 'cause they're all watching my amazing show, "The Trumpet Tells All"!
Amazon says they made like a bazillion dollars or something. Who cares? I coulda made ten bazillion if I was running that dump. They're crying about only making $13.5 billion. What a bunch of losers! I make that much before breakfast!
That Olsa-whatever guy is blaming "high profile things" for slow sales. Hey dummy, maybe if you sold some real American stuff instead of Chinese junk, people would buy more! And what's this about an "assassination attempt"? Fake news, folks! It's all fake!
Let me tell you, if I was in charge of Amazon, we'd be selling so much stuff your head would spin. We'd have the best deals, the biggest sales, and everyone would be shopping 24/7. No more of this "tough quarter to forecast" nonsense. With me, every quarter would be yuuuge!
But no, they've got that Bezos guy running things. What a disaster! I could do his job blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back. Amazon needs a real leader like me to make it great again. Believe me, folks, I'd have that company running so smooth, you wouldn't believe it!
Based on the original article "Amazon Cautions That When the News Gets Nutty, People Shop Less".
