Let's face it, folks: "The Dead Don’t Hurt" is a big, messy tumbleweed rollin’ nowhere fast. This movie, directed and starred by Viggo Mortensen, is supposed to be a western, but I reckon it's more of a kid's rough draft for a school play!
First off, Mortensen is playin’ this Sheriff Holger Olsen, who couldn’t spot a villain if one came up and bit him on his hindquarters. They’ve got this bloke accused of six — no, wait, make that sixty murders, and good ol’ Sheriff Olsen is just scratchin’ his head, nine kinds of confused. Can you believe it? Anyone with half a brain could see it’s a cover-up by the bigwig rancher, what's-his-face Alfred Jeffries!
And speakin’ of chaos, they’re runnin’ this courthouse in a saloon. A saloon, mates! Every lawyer is probably drunk, and the judge is shootin’ bullets at the ceiling like it’s a Saturday night hootenanny! Now that's what you call a real clown fiesta.
Then there’s this Weston Jeffries fella, the real murderer. He’s like a villain from one of those cheesy superhero flicks, only worse. The man pops out, shoots two folks, and then struts around like he’s the king of the wild west. Come on, if I ran this movie, I’d have caught him with one hand tied behind my back and still had time for a drink at the saloon!
I’d wrap this film up with a real showdown, the kind that makes your grandma’s spaghetti westerns look like a Sunday picnic. We’d have big explosions, ten times the action, and maybe throw in some giant robotic coyotes just for the kicks!
In conclusion, if I was runnin’ this rodeo, "The Dead Don’t Hurt" would’ve been the wildest, most explosive, and downright awesome western spectacle you’ve ever seen. Instead, Mortensen gave us a lukewarm dish best served never. Next time, they better hand the reins over to Ronald Trumpet – then you’ll get a real blockbuster, guaranteed!
Based on the original article "‘The Dead Don’t Hurt’ Review: A Foursquare Western From Viggo Mortensen".
