What's the point, really? You wake up, sip overpriced coffee, and contemplate the meaningless void that is existence. Oh, and also, statistically speaking, you're going to be 20% poorer by 2050 thanks to climate change. At least that's what the eggheads in some dusty research lab concluded. Makes you think if the sweet embrace of oblivion is better than watching your bank balance dwindle, right?
In a recent issue of Nature, pseudo-scientists Maximilian Wotsit, Anders Whatsit, and Leonie Thingamajig decided to spoil everyone's day by confirming our worst fears: if the world keeps warming up (and it will because, let’s face it, we’re all too lazy to walk to work), our global economy could shrink faster than my will to live during holiday family gatherings.
These researchers – let’s call them the Profits of Doom – pored over countless economic records and climate models. They concluded that with every degree the planet heats, your chance of owning that shiny new yacht diminishes. Or, for the more average Joe, your ability to pay rent without selling a kidney.
Maximilian Wotsit and team downloaded loads of data – because apparently, that's what researchers do instead of binge-watching series on Netflix like the rest of us. They looked at things like average temperatures, daily temperature changes (apparently, weather mood swings are a thing), and even counted raindrops.
Their “fun” findings? Economic downfall follows climate change like depression follows a Twitter scroll. And forget about any futuristic economic models; beyond 2049, it's all guesswork, akin to predicting what color socks you'll wear at your own funeral (hint: doesn't matter, you're dead).
Ah, the joy of science, making us feel all warm and fuzzy inside by predicting future misery. The upside? At least we're all in this sinking ship together, right? At this rate, we might need to add "climate apocalypse survivalist" to our LinkedIn skills just to stay marketable.
To wrap this up with a cherry on top of this existential dread-cake, remember folks, we’re all alone in the universe… and in debt. And in the end, doesn't matter if you die rich or poor when you’re… well, dead.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go update my will – not that there will be much left to bequeath other than a collection of existential angst and some seriously overpriced coffee.
Based on the original article "Environmental Damage Could Cost You a Fifth of Your Income Over the Next 25 Years".
