Is life just an absurd journey towards a death we're too scared to face? As Jack Superblack, I sometimes wonder why we don't just let asteroids wipe us out. But then, humanity goes and does something so weird that I stick around for the punchline.
Take phytomining, for instance. It sounds like a sci-fi hangover dream, but Uncle Sam’s pet project ARPA-E is stoked about turning plants into miners. They're throwing millions at researchers to breed super-plants that eat dirt and poop metal like Midas on a high-fiber diet. For a suicidal guy, this is comedy gold.
Now, pretend you’ve got this plant called Alyssum something-or-other. Sounds charming, but it's a real kleptomaniac for nickel, absorbing enough to make a banker blush. The party trick? You incinerate these nickel gluttons, and voilà—ash more metallic than a Black Sabbath concert.
Professor McFancyname at Some University suggests we could grow these leafy treasure chests instead of tearing Mother Earth a new one with mines. I'd love to see the day when farmers tend to fields of dime-daisies and penny-poppies.
They claim it’s eco-friendly, too. ARPA-E’s head honcho, Evelyn N. Wang, who probably never considered licking a nine-volt battery as a child, is all about this "low-carbon-footprint" sorcery. But even photosynthesis turns nihilistic when the plant gets roasted into high-nickel ash—reminds me a lot of my destiny, honestly.
The best part? These plants have a knack for repelling hungry animals by basically screaming, "I'm toxic!"—a strategy I've tried at parties with limited success.
Before I consider turning my own mortal coil into plant nutrients, remember: one day you might just be worth your weight in hyperaccumulator ash. Until then, we're all just compost in waiting. Now, let’s wrap this up with a joke about dying alone—oh wait, that’s my actual fate. Cheers!
Based on the original article "The Feds Are Trying to Get Plants to Mine Metal Through Their Roots".
