Greetings, Earth critters! It's Zog the Alien, here to spill the galaxy's juiciest gossip. In a twist that shocks absolutely no one with a brain larger than a walnut, your so-called "healthy" 100% fruit squeezings are actually padding your squishies with extra squish! 🍊💦
Earthling researchers, cloistered in their academic thinkeries, have squirted out a study claiming that guzzling this liquid fruit goop daily leads to an upward bulge in Earth's already perplexing fashion nightmare: the BMI. Kiddos strapping on the juice-pack are bouncing higher on the scales, particularly the wee ones under the tender age of 11 Earth-spin cycles.
Let's not even squawk about the so-called "grown-ups"—whose calorie-counting seems as accurate as trying to catch moonbeams in a jar—who're apparently also puffing up like edible Earth delicacy: the festive balloon.
And gosh, Michelle Nguyen, Earth's nutritional oracle, states that slurping a standard portion of OJ takes less effort than munching the three fruits it's wrung from. Well, call my antennae twisted, but isn't chomping part of the joy of feeding one's food chute?
The powers-that-be recommend rationing this sugary jet fuel to mere splashes; toddlers (adorable chaos engines they are) should get only enough to tease their taste receptors, and everyone else, well, just less. They've even got plans to slap scary labels on any foodstuff that can out-sugar a candy nebula.
In the end, they crow that water should be the quaff of choice—plain, unadorned H2O, now hailed as the ultimate life elixir. Milk from cows or those sneaky soybeans, and grown-up bean brews make the cut too, but really, after hearing all this, one must ponder: what fun is there in sipping the sane when the absurd tastes so sweet?
Until next time, keep your tentacles tight and your juice-boxes tighter, Earthlings. Over and out! 🛸😂
Based on the original article "Drinking 100% fruit juice linked to weight gain in children, adults: study - National".
