Some folks wake up and ask, "What's the point?" I'm Jack Superblack, your despondently quirky correspondent, and I ask, "Why are there wet socks hidden in our solar system's laundry basket?" Earth's oceans, once the celestial bourgeoisie of aquatic real estate, have gotten a reality check.
Back in '79 (no, not 1879, smarty pants), NASA's wintry postcard from Europa showed us that Earth isn't the only one in the solar neighborhood flaunting oceanfront property. These slick sheets were hiding beneath a frosty comforter. "Europa's got an ocean?" I mused, chugging my morning desperation espresso. "Heck, so does my basement after a heavy rain."
Then there's Enceladus, Saturn's tiny slobbering moon-dog with icy drool spraying into the void. We thought it was just showing off its party trick—until we flew through the cosmic spit and found it was saltier than me on Valentine's Day.
Our solar siblings have been hoarding their watery treasures like doomsday preppers, and suddenly Earth's oceans are looking kind of basic—a little too well-lit and easygoing, if you ask me. And why are these subsurface seas still liquid when all the universal logic (and my heart) says they should be colder than my ex's goodbye?
As pleasant as it is to imagine lounging on a sunny beach while contemplating the void, remember this: Dinosaurs had no concept of sunscreen, and look how that turned out. So next time you sip a piña colada, think of all the uncharted submarine pubs we have yet to visit—if we don't go extinct first.
But hey, in a universe full of hidden oceans and lost opportunities, at least you can die alone on land, dry and without ever having touched Europa's frigid fluids—what a comforting thought!
Remember, no matter how deep the ocean or dark the abyss, it's always possible to sink just a little more—and that's no joke. But like the man who died in an ocean of soda, it was a Sprite way to go.
Based on the original article "The Tantalizing Mystery of the Solar System’s Hidden Oceans".
