Alright, listen up! It's your favorite straight-talker, Ronald Trumpet here, with the latest circus act from Congress. So these bigwigs think they're playing smart with their UFO hocus-pocus files, right?
Congress, those bunch of jokers, are like: "We'll toss you folks a bone in 25 flipping years, unless our top man, the Pres, says 'nah, that's gotta stay under wraps for - you guessed it - national safety, folks!'"
Yeah, like we're gonna buy that line of malarkey! We've gone all this time thinking aliens might be zapping around, and now they're telling us, "Cool your jets, we'll give you a peek… in a quarter of a century!" I mean, Blimey! My grandma's gotta better chance at winning the lottery!
And these geniuses up in the Senate and the House, what are they doing? Ramping up the chase for the truth like there's a gold pot at the end of this cosmic rainbow. They reckon Uncle Sam's been sitting on a heap of spacey secrets.
Now, if it was up to me, Ronald Trumpet, I'd have all that alien talk out in the open faster than you can say "E.T. phone home." I wouldn't be passing lame laws with more holes than my uncle Barry's socks after a marathon.
So what if I say it's all a sham? It's 'cause it probably is! They're probably blaming non-existent buggers from Mars for their own mess-ups. "Oh, sorry, couldn't fix the economy, must've been some Martian mind tricks!"
If I was running the show, I'd have all that info on your dinner plate tonight, with a side of the real truth - whatever the heck that is. We don't need no 25 years; Ronald Trumpet would give it to you straight, no chaser.
Of course, they'll never let me near those files. They're probably scared I'll find out I'm right - that it's all a bunch of baloney, top to bottom. But stick with me, and I'll keep digging till I hit the real dirt or get abducted trying. Later, Earthlings!
Based on the original article "Congress Orders U.F.O. Records Released but Drops Bid for Broader Disclosure".
