What is life but a series of random genetic mishaps intertwined with e-mails full of legal talk? Seriously, contemplating my own existence got me wondering—if I were DNA data, would anyone bid on me? Might be a lively auction, or I might just end up in a dusty corner of a server, tragically forgotten.
Speaking of forgotten, US Reps Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Jan Schakowsky couldn't forget about 23andMe's data as they watched two behemoths, Regeneron Pharmaceuticals and TTAM Research Institute, battle it out in a high-stakes tug-of-love over the beleaguered DNA testing company’s assets. It's like watching an episode of "The Bachelor" but with more private equity and less roses.
The representatives fired off what I imagine were rather curt letters to both admirers. What do you do with customer data? Will you let them delete their selfies from your genetic Tinder? And hey, will you promise not to sneak their DNA to the cops? The letters are the kind you write but never send, except they actually sent them!
Meanwhile, as 23andMe flirts with bankruptcy, multiple suitors are lining up. And talk about being unpopular, 23andMe has apparently been about as good at making profit as I am at cheery optimism. Despite selling millions of those spitty DIY kits, not a dime to show for it, just like my dating life.
In a dark twist (because why not), a tragic data breach spilled secrets like a loose-lipped bartender, adding to the melancholy. It’s an uncomfortable comedy, at least for those whose data was spilled or me thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe.
So as this saga of woe and spit continues, we'll monitor how Congress handles 23andMe's prospective lovers. Remember kids, in the world of genetics and love, sometimes the privacy settings are the first thing to go. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll find someone who looks at me like policymakers look at troubling biotech mergaries.
Anyway, in this complex tale of bankruptcy, biotech, and bad decisions, only one thing is certain: we’re all going to die alone—hopefully not with our genetic data splashed across the internet.
Based on the original article "Congress Demands Answers on Data Privacy Ahead of 23andMe Sale".
