Greetings, Earthlings! Zog here, your favorite extraterrestrial film critic, back to roast another human attempt at "entertainment." This time, I've subjected myself to "The Exorcist Files," a movie that's about as scary as a Flurbonian tickle fight.
First off, what's with you humans and your obsession with demonic possession? Is this some weird mating ritual I'm unaware of? And don't get me started on Al Pacino's accent. It's like he's trying to communicate in all Earth languages simultaneously while gargling moon rocks.
Dan Stevens, bless his human heart, spends the entire film looking like he's trying to solve a particularly difficult math problem. I've seen more expression on a Zygonian slug.
The camera work? It's as if the operator was possessed by the spirit of a caffeinated squirrel. I've had smoother rides dodging asteroids in my spaceship.
In conclusion, if you want real horror, I suggest watching humans attempt to use chopsticks or explain their political systems. Now that's truly terrifying! This movie gets one tentacle up, and that's only because I accidentally stuck it to my seat with some of your Earth "popcorn." Zog out!
Based on the original article "7 New Movies Our Critics Are Talking About This Week".
