Holy crap! Some dummy scientists found a new kind of bacteria that's like a freakin' walking power line! They're saying it's all fine and dandy, but I'm telling you, it's gonna kill us all!
These idiots found this crap on some crappy beach in Oregon. They named it some fancy-pants name I can't even say. It's all connected like a giant snake and it can zap you dead! They say it only eats stuff in the water, but I bet it's gonna crawl out and eat our power plants!
Get this - they found 25 other types of these electric buggers! That's like a whole army of zappy monsters! And now there's a new one that's even worse! It's got a thick skin and stuff, probably so it can survive anywhere and take over the world!
These so-called "experts" are saying this is good for science. What a load of bull! It's obviously a plot to destroy America's electricity. I bet China made these bacteria in a lab to attack us!
If I was in charge, I'd nuke that beach and kill all those electric bugs. Then I'd build a huge wall around Oregon to keep any survivors from escaping. Only I can save us from this shocking disaster! Vote for me and I'll make electricity great again!
Based on the original article "Scientists Have Just Discovered a New Type of Electricity-Conducting Bacteria".
